wallow wallow wallow

been wallowing in dispair and self pity lately
not exactly a cannot be helped situation
i kinda chose to be in this state
and i also chose not to snap out of it
retreating into my own world
letting wounds heal
opening myself only to them angels
feels more... secure, safe
i dunno how long i'll stay in this depressed state
but im not fighting to get out of it
let me stand up slowly

and so i declare to the world today
esp to those who haf spoken to i
yes winning matters to me
n i refuse to go into the speeches ppl hu lose make
wad abt the process being more impt and all
how fake
most hu make tt speech feel otherwise in their hearts
so in attempt to show my true self
which doesnt really happen all the time
i've decided to lay bare my feelings
perhaps this once
ok maybe not so bare
but to show a little flesh here and there
yes the process is impt
our process kinda stands out more
it was a great process
one i'll never forget
but to end in an anti climax aint beautiful
all the lessons learnt
experiences experienced
the bonds
the comradeship
all come to naught
yes i get to keep the values
but it just doesnt... fit

with that said and done
i close my case here
just zip zip zip
let me roll about in the mud for awhile
i'll b back i promise
just remember to leave some food for me

so moving onto the aftermath
did my first run since the 13th
2.4k napfa
yeah to make up fer the one loong n i tried to fail
didnt really noe wad pace to run
so just made sure didnt go out too fast
then tried to whack the last km
finally found out how shapeless i was
ok 7.56 is my best time
but it kinda shows how deformed i was during cross
so at least i noe where i stand
oh and that killer kick is gone~
tsk
friggin penile

played first game of soccer since dunno when
didnt really run cuz just did 2.4
so touched the ball like 4 times
hurr
i still suck
so no improvement no deprovement
looking good man, lookin gd

finishing off,
wanna throw out some burfdae greetingz
today,

caijing turns 16 from 15
junyi turns 14 from 13

may thy lives b long n useful
just like toilet paper