played out ... reality bites

im just back from church
and i have to share
ignore this if u will
but it could just be for you

for a long while now
i've been a lousy christian
my faith has been left dangling
twisting in the worldly air currents

but at the very least
i knew i had to do smtg abt it
i wanted to get back
and i did try

i went to church
and genuinely tried to feel god again
i went through in my head
what god had done for me in the past
i even joined sp class
hoping that that was the step i had to take
so that i could hear and feel him again
but for too many months
or perhaps it has been a year
it has all come to naught

but in his own way
in his way that is sometimes irritating
cuz it completely fools you
things happen

dancing for god
was for me
just another way of saying dancing
we dance for many reasons
for fame, glory, expression of self
dancing for god
just dancing for god

i've attended the recent rehearsals dilligently
which is actually a very me thing
all i expected to do
was just to do that short dance
make sure i remember the steps
do them well
and do about 4 minutes worth of clubbing

the rehearsals however
had something deeper in store for me
the prayers we had were something different
i finally felt a familiar tingle
a nostalgic feeling
a reminiscent tugging of the heart
i felt again

today as i stood at the back of the hall
bowing my head as always
as the pastor asked for privacy
for ppl to raise their hands to accept christ
i had to for the first time
lift my head because i was part of the production
i saw for the first time in my life
ppl raising their hands to accept jesus
i had to cry
i just had to cry

i always thought i didnt care
abt whether ppl accepted christ or not
but i realize it does
deep down i always wanted to save my friends
today i came to realize
how much it means to me
to see the ppl i care abt
come to say 'jesus is my lord'
today my family didnt come
and there was a reason for that
after the performance i didnt see them
and i was very disappointed
and that told me something
it told me that what i thought
was other ppl's reason to live
is actually mine as well

it matters to me
i now safely say
it matters a hell lot to me
or a heaven lot.