lijiang

"back from lijiang everybody. really unforgettable experience..but just in case...the trip... in a few words..."

would be the first 4 lines in kev's blog if he still blogged i guess. even till today its still his second visible entry dating 20january04.

i guess i'll go with the few words... but i'll do some elaboration too.

(ahem!).. scandals... bridge... carbines... shitting on hills... lepak... nice... china eastern... shuhe town... dayan town... horse piss... kfc... naxi night... 3 little pigs... noobie/nu bi... great kids... vase sized buns... damn good food... jin zhuang.. teaching... soccer... soccer.... soccer.. bhangra... tearful goodbyes.. HONG HE... ruins(toilets)... ac milan... stone skipping.. tadpoles... tiger leaping... snow mountain... cable cars... oxygen.. chairlift... condom... lame jokes... acting insane.. direct translations.. shoot shag marry.. everyone.

ilovelijiang.

now that's over, here's the expansion.

the transition from sg to china was basically bridge and sleep
oh yes and one mens health as well

sunrise from the plane

clouds!

shui bian ice cream

decided to have an ice cream at kunming airport. this was direct translation number 1 and was an example of how mut the chinese cld be. haha. it's like you ask someone what they want to eat and they say "shui bian" and you buy them the ice cream.

lijiang's scenery was just that damn good.we stepped out of what seemed to be the airport which was like one room and one conveyor belt?heh den bam it hit us like how a range of mountains takes your breath away. we saw a range of mountains that took our breath away. the tiny airport just lent strength to the magnificence of the mounts. there were no buildings within the entire enclosure of peaks of more than twin peaks. we checked into the hotels and went to shuhe old town. rode a horse-drawn cart and saw another horse piss a lifetime worth of piss right infront of us.

direct translation 1

this one took the cake. it had me laugh my rectum out of my ass. there was another which i cant be bothered to upload.

shuhe old town 1

shuhe old town 2 (fascination)

shuhe old town 3 (scandal+fashion malfunction)

it's abit unclear but cherminahs wearing really ugly socks and has her blouse sticking out of her sweater. i repeat - ugly socks! anw nice was just walking by me and talking. i forgot what he was saying but he was very animated and was waving his hands around. well i accidently caught his hand in this scandalous posture. too coincidental? go figure =)

shuhe old town 4

shuhe old town 5

shuhe old town 6

shuhe old town 7 (running in it)

i tried running here. and it was shit tiring. me and nice ran both days in lijiang and i almost died. nice on the other hand had to slow down for me. baskets x 10.

near dayan old town

mao reaching for the sky

mandhir and mao. so alike?

xidenan

oh yes xidenan! haha when nice saw the signboard he squealed. it reminded us fondly of our resident testicle. it was like a china hang ten. we bought him a shirt here =) and because we came all the way out of the town to buy the shirt, we found a pasar malam! thanks xide!

dayan old town

heheh. the reason i took this pic was cause of the horse's penis. notice also the boy in the bottom right hand corner of the picture is holding a sausage...

direct translation 2

in case you cant read, it says "the fire fight connects you my his happiness the peaceful depending everybody". yeah its good alright. notice the sign of disbelief by (ahem!) on the bottom right of the picture.

that marked the end of the day. whereby nice bought a pistol (gasp!). it was a bb pistol and it was way cool. blue lights and laser guiding all very sweet.

dark dorm

this was our dorm in the village. way dark. there was a single suspending lightbulb which never got electricity running thru it thruout our stay there. the village was not really as village-y as i tot. i was expecting to sleep on soil and stuff. and their clothes were somewhat on par with ours. heh all the clothes we brought for them? rubbished. the toilets however. were appaling. i went in once and died seven times over. the stench pervaded the entire school campus and all. thruout the many days i just pissed in the bushes and shat in densely covered hills.

the shitting adventure was definitely awesome and i am thankful that the toilets sucked. it happened like this...

{scene 1: the decision}[khing, david and kevin are sitting at the stairs outside the school gate, watching the proceedings of the games...]

kevin: i need to shit [kevin runs off]

[kevin returns with a roll of toilet paper hidden under his shirt, in hope no one would see the 8cm bulge in his tummy]

david: mut where you going

kevin: im going to shit

khing: i need to shit oso

david: let's go

{scene 2: the preparation}

[the three walk down the road, away from jing zhuang school for some distance, before they find a densely covered downhill. kevin hands david and khing a handful of toilet paper each.]

david: for the amount that i am about to shit out, this is definitely not enough.

[kevin takes the handful and hands david the whole roll. now kevin and khing starts to descend into the hill while david, ankle sprained, squats behind a huge pile of shit/soil just by the main road. khing and kevin find their respective spots and squat down. all three remove their pants and their underwear.]

kevin: turn around lah khing!

{scene 3: it happened}

david: aye what's happening down there

khing: i started shitting already

david: so fast?

kevin: mine can't come out [david laughs]

khing: my shit is yellow!

kevin: oh sick!

khing: must be the food we've been eating. i think you two oso same colour.

david: shit shit shit got car got car [kevin laughs] [khing laughs]

khing: quick siam!

david: aiyah nehmine la. [kevin laughs]

khing: wah lau ei. i have to hold my penis cuz the grass is tickling it [kevin laughs] [david laughs]

kevin: shut up la i shit halfway make me laugh all go back [khing laughs]

khing: shit shit there's a bee hovering around my testicle

kevin: there's this hole directly under my anus damn scary. later got snake come out bite my ass. [david laughs]

david: there's some croaking sound here...

david: shit shit shit got people got people [kevin laughs][khing laughs]

[khing and kevin finsh their businesses at this point. khing wipes his ass of its burdens and anyhow flings his toilet paper. khing goes over to watch kevin bury his shit. david pauses activity and pulls up his boxers while holding his pants behind his back, trying to act normal as the people walk by.]

kevin: ah good got big rock here [tosses onto shit]

[kevin and khing are done. now they turn to look up at david to see his progress. david, back facing the two, sees that there is no one in sight. he pulls down his boxers, revealing his gleaming ass which brilliance stuns khing and kevin.]

{scene 4: the aftermath}

[khing and kevin ascends the hill AFTER DAVID HAD FINISHED. they notice that the radius of the toilet roll was halved]

[END]

below are some photos nice and i took during our morning run.

village run 1

village run 2

village run 3

village run 4

this part was where there were lots of dogs barking at us and giving little chases. quite scary i shld say.

village run 5

village run 6

en route to the river

the river

here we had a stone skipping contest. which incidentally was of course dominated by yours truly with 5 skips. or was it 4? no matter. some say it was luck, but luck too, is a form of true skill bestowed upon by (ahem!).

oh and there were spermstadpoles too. millions of them. a few guys had the pleasure of dropping some big rock on the entire mass of them. sick.

and now, a breakdown of the village days not covered:

the village days were great. the morning breakfast, which consisted mainly of vase-sized buns, though far from tasty, were simple and just so nice. the kids were great. so enthu, so naive, so together. yet not dumb or stupid in any sense. and not to mention damn fit. perhaps because we're not used to the air but i mean, ac milan was super fit.

the nights that followed were basically concerts. night 1 was something of our concert. a xiang shen between yong wei and mandhir that did not make much sense but doesnt matter becuase that must have been the point, alaistair's three little pigs with me as the impromptu translator which of course worked out well, alaistair's harmonica solo and just tons of singing under the brightly illuminated stars when the lights went out. thereafter followed the bhangra dance. bhangra dances work everywhere la. by the camp fire, no less. then it was time for their naxi dance. haha i managed to catch the dance! met this girl called yan xing. eh she approach me one ah. i didnt mind her, but what happened the day after kinda riled me.

it was in the morning when she came to me to get my details. no harm. so i wrote. then a few other girls, obviously intrigued by this strange yet strangely hot stranger, came for the same purpose. seeing this, she got me to write even more details. the girls waited. then she got me to write page two about myself and it was getting obvious that i had nothing more to write. then the girls left and she said ok that should be enough. but nehmind i can understand.

so came night 2. there were dances and singing, and more dances and singing, both traditional and modern. you would have expected them to be more tribal but there were loads on loads of jay chou, hip hop, s.h.e. and pan wei bo. then it came. she came. she wanted me to dance. i didnt want to. nice and the ppl ard wanted me to dance. i sorta wanted to. the kids behind wanted me to dance. after almost half an hour of persuasion, i obliged. i always wanted to do a liquid dance infront of a crowd, though not unprepared. so i got the music ppl to hit some fast song, and whacked every move i could muster. i think it went quite well, judging from the screams.

from here the kfc (khing's fan club) was formed, further emphasising the fact that my charm knows no boundaries and goes beyond international and even genderial lines. however the kfc is somewhat like a one-man state and was solely dominated by yan xing, who looked the sort who would purge everyone else in the party.

in the end, leaving was still hard. yan xing was crying but i was ignoring her. so mean right. but i guess i'll still write that letter. well as i was saying, leaving was hard. and i think it was quite sad for everyone, us and them alike. it was a great time. just a great time.

:end of village breakdown

side story - the carbines

on the 26th of april, 5:36pm, kevin ng and kenneth khing had just left the guang guang sighseeing hotel in search of necessities such as shampoo, slippers, lip balm and sticky tape to fix kenneth's broken oakley frameless glasses, which cracked. they decided to pay the bb gun shop a visit. they did, only this time, they visited the shop next door. they were taken aback as they rested their eyes upon the biggest bb guns they have ever seen. what really caught their eyes was a carbine. it was stupendously finished and more than that, it was an automatic. with a 40 pellet capacity, it was definitely a mean gun. after plenty plenty pondering, the two decided to purchase the weapon. wrapped suspiciously in newspaper, the two made a dead sprint for the hotel. kenneth carried the package while kevin scouted the area ahead. one could never know how many snipers camped around the area, scousing for weapons dealers such as these two. the two almost made a touchdown, when suddenly the omniscient david appeared behind kenneth with his hand by his side, ready to draw his pistol. kevin, well versed in the dark arts, began to hold off david with his seduction, allowing kenneth to make a mad dash for home. in the end, the two criminals made it. kevin inspected the scope to check the quality of the goods. "aye check this out. damn sex ah". the two decided to take apart the guns so that they could smuggle them back to singapore. but this plan was aborted in the end when the guns malfunctioned and shot both of them in the right testicle. they destroyed the guns in disgust and left china without them.

tiger leaping gorge 1

tiger leaping gorge 2

tiger leaping gorge 3

tiger leaping gorge 4 (david just ran)

tiger leaping gorge 5 (tiger on the right)

tiger leaping gorge 6 (david ignoring both signs)

tiger leaping gorge 7 (mark is thinking... crack!)

the gorge is basically a 2.5km scenic route. it's in and out. so it's a great experience when you go in and out. really cool. i went in and out and so did everyone go in and out. i think we all thoroughly enjoyed ourselves.

not to mention what i think is the quote of the trip by nice. let's see how it came about.

khing [to kevin, referring to the torrent waves]: aye what would happen if one wave came at your face and another came at your back?

[kevin stones]

kevin: one word...

[kevin stones]

kevin: gg

khing: isn't that two?

[kevin stones]

[kevin looks jacked]

[kevin turns to look at the waters]

haha. [stones].

snow mountain 1 (almost looks fake)

ssnow mountain 2 (nice and ice)

snow mountain 3 (the rainbow)

snow mountain 4 (the 3 rainbows)

this shot was taken behind my shades. you cant quite see it but there are 3 rainbows circling the sun. it was damn magnificent.

snow mountain 5 (fastly cable car ride up)

snow mountain 6 (it pees!)

snow mountain 7

snow mountain 8

snow mountain 9

snow mountain 10 (nice not being nice)

this was at the top where there was as much oxygen as there are tigers in the tiger leaping gorge. having weak lungs, i was going face green green. or purple as the tour guide mentioned. we all had to buy cannisters of oxygen. 30 yuan for air! be grateful man.

direct translation 3a

direct translation 3b

chairlift 1

chairlift 2

chairlift 3 (before it)

chairlift 4 (abandoned hat)

it was somewhere here that nice used some cotton buds to dig his ear. damn yellow. he wanted to throw it down but chin and the tour guide were behind. so we looked for a spot where the ppl behind cldnt see what we threw down. when we finally reached the spot, nice cldnt help but scream "bombs away!! whoooooo!!!!!" and threw the measly cotton buds off.

chairlift 5

it happened up the hill again. after we were done with the chairlift, we proceeded to see the other side of the ice mountain. on the way nice and i needed to shit badly. the toilet was closed. the only way to the next toilet was the long chairlift. but hey. there were hills man. nice whipped open his magic school bag and drew out that half used roll of toilet paper. i took a handful and he took the rest. we ran up different hills.

i just kept running upwards for as long as my anus cld hold. it was just not dense enough. ppl cld see me everywhere i go. on the way i had to dodge so manypiles of shits. den i saw this really big log and i did a steeple chase. wah biang eh almost landed in a pile of fresh shit. over the log it was shit shit and more shit. everywhere i turned and everywhere i looked. it was pure shit. whatever shit this is, this human shit of theirs. not only that. there were plenty plenty toilet papers strewn across the whole log. i hit a hot spot. let the shitting begin.

i had no trouble shitting and i met nice at the valley of the two shit hills. apparently he was ambushed by so many ppl he didnt shit cleanly. he was running around with his pants half done and his shit half shat. but the urgency was gone now. we could take the chairlift back.

turqoise river 1

turqoise river 2

on the last night, we strolled back from the restraunt to the hotel. some of the guys just couldnt help themselves. they went into a frenzy and acted like fresh patients from a asylum. they acted like real retards and scared the shit either out or back into passer bys. totally funny. but that marked the end of a wonderful stay in lijiang.

-end of lijiang-

the following day we arrived in kunming. the hotel was fantastic and we watched champs league semis barca and ac milan on tv. ac milan lost. maybe the guy back at jing zhuang cried. i dunno. anw the toilets had 1 yuan condoms. everyone got fascinated. then me, tc, cher and chiam went to the ktv. wah the first look i saw hostessess dressed in hostess outfits. the small room was 660 yuan. so we abandoned that. the following day was some dismayal shopping in kunming. dun go kunming. unless its for the food of course. the final dinner at the hotel was stupendous. cept for the ice cream that had a cigarette stench. or as we called it, hong he ice cream. hong he just happens to be the malboro equivalent in china.

-end of kunming, end of trip-

of course, wherever i go

lame jokes would follow

and many lame jokes were there.

we had bridge to go along

with our merry merry song

and did whatever we could dare

scandals and mountains

old towns aplenty

the culture flowed like fountains

the lessons so many

not bad did we fare

the camera cannot capture

what we above see

the pictures fracture

what has come to be

no stranger to experience

i still safely say

lijiang's brilliance

in my heart forever to stay

nicely done lah